Sextant Public House, Albert Quay, Cork City, Ireland.

This is the latest hot-spot for Cork natives and it’s not just the drink or food that’s the attraction

The sign is most appropriate as fight is what the

Cork native – whether male of female – is most likely to do after a few drinks.

It’s de rigor for the “who’s who” of Cork city society to be seen here, and any night of the weekend the local Chavs and their menfolk will be seen swarming in its direction or congregating on streets around the premises.  

This clientele will expect you to look at them admiringly, and it’s advisable that you do so, otherwise they’ll be very upset, and a riled Chav is in nobody’s best interest.

These locals are usually of dwarfish size, exceedingly fat and are always dressed in clothes four of five times too small. Lumps of lardy flesh will be seen wobbling, like so many mounds of jelly, while these ladies parade around as if such beauty was hitherto unknown.

A couple of years ago these ladies weren't as brazen due to the much better looking and fitter eastern European women showing up the native flaws. But now that most of the Slavic women have gone home, or to other parts of Europe, the native Cork lass is back on the streets with a vengeance. They remind me of how a class of Special-needs pupils might react when a strict teacher is away for a few days.  They’ll rampage like there’s no tomorrow, and relish their new found freedom like a cat relishes fresh cream.

This is the type of high-class Cork

lady who'll frequent the Sextant, and who might well also be a nurse in Cork University Hospital.

The Chav’s extremely-lucky men folk will also be in the Sextant in all their finery, and when not relating to everyone within 25 metres, how they have climbed Mount Everest for the 10th time, they’ll be keeping an eye on their lovely girls, just in case a predatory lone male, unaccustomed to such aesthetically pleasing creations, abducts and runs off with one.

However, regardless of the risk posed by predators, these aristocrats of Cork City will regularly be forced to take leave of their princesses in order to take an important phone call. Taking and making phone calls is a very important part of Cork city’s social life, and certain procedures must always be followed.  For instance, it’s not acceptable to use a mobile phone in a secluded spot or in any place where you won't be seen or heard.

When you're in the Sextant or any Cork pub, and your phone rings (or the alarm sounds) the first thing you must do is announce in a loud voice, ‘is that my phone’, then look around the premises to ensure you’ve been noticed, and when sure you’ve got everyone’s attention you then state, ‘yes it is’. Now you reach for your phone, which you have strategically placed about two meters away, hold it high over your head, while it’s playing your favourite ringtone (Fields of Athenry) and loudly name-drop while wondering which VIP or celebrity might be calling you at this hour.

Then rush for the exit while all the time announcing how utterly important the call is. When outside it’s never enough to stand on the pavement and chat on your phone, you must always walk to the centre of the street and, (because it’s always a bad line or your caller is deaf?) shout your conversation at a pitch that would crack glass.

Sometimes pedestrians or motorists might not notice that a very important call is being conducted, and when this happens you must remove the phone from your ear and thrust the illuminated side towards them, then wave it above your head. This will let dopy people know about your south-western aristocratic bloodlines and your important standing in Cork society. Some outsiders might ridicule you for doing this but you must remember that critics are philistines that don’t understand the finer points of Cork social milieu.

An American tourist passing the Sextant misinterpreted a couple of these street-telephonists as being an out of kilter circus act, and enquired if the Sextant was some kind of unusual halfway-house for mental patients.  This uncouth Yank was a perfect example of a philistine.

Apart from the “Chavs” and “Important Phone Call Takers” another interesting sight I’ve seen outside the Sextant concerned the proprietor and another chap, on a Bank Holiday weekend. The proprietor was conducting a one way shouting match with the other chap and generally acting very very strange, as if he might have need of above mentioned halfway-house.

He would approach the other chap and shout at him, ‘I’m not afraid of you’, and then run away a short distance. He’d then wait a few minutes, as if sussing his adversary, approach again, and repeat ‘I’m not afraid of you’ before running off again – just like an act Laurel and Hardy might have done. I suspect the proprietor’s bête noire thought, as some North American Indians do, ‘no harm crazy man, crazy man already dead.’

At last I’m finally beginning to understand a little about the south-west.  One particular revelation that’s helped me understand the natives better, is that they have a different lexicon to other English speaking areas. A lot of the Queen’s English has evolved a totally different meaning in these parts. For instance, the definition given here for "special-needs" and "slow-learner" is not the same as is given in other English speaking countries.

Thus it’s expected in south-west Ireland that you commit to full body inspections whenever you enter a business premises, accept people staring intently along the streets, etc.

Always remember that these people view serious uncouth behaviour as being normal and if you want to live in their company and keep your sanity you’ll have to readjust your entire mentality and personality. If you can’t alter these aspects of yourself then I strongly advise you to stay away from Cork, Galway and Kerry.  

An instruction that should be in the Cork city socialites’ handbook:

When using phone alarm to fake incoming call always remember to switch off genuine ringtone. It’s will be somewhat embarrassing to have phone’s real ring tone sound when you’re in the middle of a faked conversation with a world leader or some other VIP.

So always turn off the real ring tone lest tourists and outsiders think you're a fool and subsequently gossip about you and us.